Do I sacrifice authenticity to fit in, or do I sacrifice fitting in to be authentic?
I'm coming at you today with a throwback story from my awkward middle school years... I promise I'm going somewhere with this so stick with me!
At that time in my life, the cool thing to do was steal earrings from the local Claire's. I grew up in a small town with a small shopping center. Most of the shops in the center had sliding doors to walk through, but Claire’s had no doors whatsoever. It made stealing somewhat of an “easy” task.
I still remember feeling the rush and adrenaline the day I decided I was going to steal a pair of earrings to fit in with the cool kids. I cautiously walked to the kiosk on the far outside portion of the store and greeted the cashier politely. I made my way through the different sections so as not to bring about suspicion. Just as the cashier was distracted with an actual paying customer, I took my shot. I picked up a pair of earrings and casually dropped them in my purse. I shopped around for another minute before leaving the store. My heart was beating so hard and fast that I was sure everyone around me could hear.
I felt pure adrenaline and excitement. I had done something my friends would admire. They would be impressed with me! I was on cloud nine as I got in my older sister’s car and she drove me home. On the way home the adrenaline faded and some other emotions took over: guilt, shame, regret, remorse. I was overwhelmed.
It took some convincing and an unfair negotiation of chores before my sister agreed to take me back to Claire’s. I told her I had gotten the wrong pair of earrings and needed to go back. It didn’t matter to me that I promised to do a week's worth of her chores, I was desperate not to feel what I was feeling.
I returned to the store. Thankfully a different cashier was on shift. I retraced my steps. I put the earrings back. I went back to my sister's car empty-handed and heavy-hearted as I considered the complexity and seemingly contradictory nature of my desires:
I want to be liked and admired by my friends. I want to belong. That meant stealing earrings. I want to be an honest person. That meant not stealing earrings.
I eventually came to the conclusion that I wanted to be liked and admired for being an honest person and if my current friend group didn’t agree, it was time to find a new friend group.
There’s a constant pressure to fit in that extends far past the middle school years. It can look and feel like many different things:
- I need to create Instagram reels to keep my business on top, but I don’t like social media
- I need to read 5 leaderships books a month to be a good boss, but I hate reading
- I need to keep breaking my sales records or I’ll get fired, but I’m exhausted
- I need to purchase a building for my company otherwise I won’t be taken seriously, but I don’t have the financial margin to support such a large purchase
- I need to start a podcast to stay relevant, but…
The list is endless. If you relate to any of the things on this list, or if you have your own, take heart. You are not the only one who struggles with this. Check out this month’s podcast episode to hear how Enneagram Fours, Tucker and Rachel, manage the tension between authenticity and the pull to do what everyone else is doing to be successful. You’ll be glad you did!
As always,
Stay curious!
